Yay
We had a sleepover at Andrea's house...was fun. Saw how procras Gene can be and how grouchy she is in the morning. I swear, even like a terrorist attack couldn't wake her up....haha

Bought new three quarts today. Finally!!!! arg.
I am so shopping-deprived.... -_-

Friday was beautiful and very symbolic for me. Thank you, juniors for touching my heart and giving a little bit more perspective to that disillisionment.

Suday is work day...
Agenda for tomorrow:
1.News write articles
2.Webdeap Articles
3. Preliminary work for Commiss Presentation.
4. Laundry...how could we forget? -_-

peacemakelovenotwarflowerpowernogunpowdercarebearsshine, powerpuffgirlsyay!

Hmmm...
On a cold, windy night, a man brought a little girl to the very top of a tall Manhattan building.
He sat her on top of the ledge of the rooftop and said: "My child look at what is around you."
And he pointed towards the Manhatten skyline, towards the vast buildings ahead.
"Whatever you see, and far more beyond, will belong to you as long as you listen to me."
The little girl kept quiet and looked down, as she sat there.
The man grew impatient and made her stand on the ledge.
He said: "If you do believe in God, jump and he will catch you."
The little girl looked down and trembled as it was very high indeed.
The man extended his hand and said: "This is my hand, this is what you can see. Take hold of it and follow me. If not, take hold of whatever invisible hand you think there is and jump. See if God can save you. Take my hand and I will protect you."
The little girl felt afraid and did not know what to do.
The man shook her, making the little girl almost lose her balance.
"Jump!" he shouted, scaring the little girl as she looked down to the streets below.
Then, she took a deep breath, turned around and sat down on the ledge.
She looked into the man's eyes and said: "After you."

Reminisces, Discourse, Beautiful attempts and then some
Stayed back till past 10 with the juniors as they were trying to make sense of I-search and the collective. Brought back memories as Andrea, Ash, Ian and Zaki talked a little about what happened two semesters ago. Agreed on the fact that we are pretty much the same as we were but just a little disillusioned and a whole lot more tired than before. Time really passes us by. It felt good to be there, sitting and watching what they were unraveling.
I think, honestly, Writ is never over and done with (unlike what some people assert), it is merely the beginnig really. Everytime I go back, I chance upon another realisation that I did not see then. Its comforting yet it always puts me in perspective and somehow eases the the disillusionment a little.
Yes a leap of faith. It really is, everytime. A beautiful leap of faith.

Constant Struggles
Fell asleep during the Commiss lecture today, woke up and found half the lecture theatre empty. It is good that there is work to do and that I am keeping myself busy.
Depression. Funny how it hits us at the same time. The pent up frustrations and the need to cry and let it out but the incapability to do so makes you feel even worse. The insecurities that you are not going to deliver the work or that you might just collapse underneath all that pressure and stress is making you pensive and unhappy. You don't have to have a particular reason for feeling this way, or maybe you do, but its so many things that you are just weary and tired. Hang in there Ash, you know if anything, you will always have us. I love you.

The sudden rush of memories and the past while still coping with singlehood is depressing. I know you hate to see his reaction and how you feel easily substituted, but really, you know you are special to him (I hope) and that there is really no cause to feel this way. Hang in there, Queen Mother, *hugs*.

Manic depression was the word ash used. Maybe it really is so. I will remember that the next time I press a knife against my skin.

No, I am not Okay. Yes, I might be fine. Just let me spend time alone, in my room.
I am tired, really tired of the double standards, the expectations and disappointments.
I want to let go, I really do. Someone show me how to.
The incapability to allow myself so many things is hurting myself
I am tired. I am sick. There is something wrong with me.

Recuperation Checklist
1. Sleep
2. Comfort food
3. Water
4. Gene's birthday *throws confetti*
5. Princesses
6. Rotting in bed
7. Immersion in work

There, that should do it~

Blocked nose, Cramps and Tummy aches
I think I need to take care of myself more. The Flu has not improved and on top of that, cramps and stomachaches.
Made a resolution to be more healthy today.
This means : Sleep early
Take better care of my skin
Drink more water and eat more vegetables.
But, I already drink a lot of water normally. Oh well~ Panadol Flu tablets are my new found friends.
Arg.
Well, met up with some secondary school friends and pigged out. They said I looked deprived of sleep and good food, haha. Then, made my way to Compass point to explore a little. Apart from the fact that it was scorching hot, its actually an okay place. Rather quiet and nicer shops. Oh well....felt weird cramps and decided to head home on a long bus journey.
Came home, hit the bed and zonked out. Woke up and finished my newswriting articles. I have not started on Commiss as I had planned. Too sick and tired to do it...shall finish it during e week. -Sigh-
Am rather looking forward to lunch next week. *slaps herself*

Blocked Nose
Woke up this morning to my mum's continous nagging by my bed. It never fails to surprise me that pass the genes, the blood and the 9 months in the womb, how we can be so different. At 10am the matriach claimed: "Why do you wake up so late! What kind of life do you lead!!!!" Yes, a hectic one, no doubt.
Woke up, tried to stand up and immediately felt the room spin. Then, I started sneezing like an elephant on ectasy pills. That was when I realised that the Flu virus which have been coursing through my bloodstream since forever, has now gotten stronger. My whole body was aching like fuck and I just wanted to sleep till forever.
But, NoOOO (do I sound like someone?). There was work to be done.
So here I am, slumping in front of my computer, trying to vomit 2 news articles and a Commiss Paper out. With mother breathing down my neck, no less. Yes, I have to run errands for her, even on the net. Had to look for caterers for her online and look for people's contacts.
I think people should stick to the Yellow Pages if they don't know how to use the Internet.
Well, I better fucking look at the computer when I am typing no?

On another note all together, I hope the Princess Tees will actually get printed. Soon. HAHA. Such a bleary saturday this is.

He works in Finance and travels a lot. According to him, he flew off to K.L tonight. This is so amusing.

Agenda For Tomorrow
1. Do News Articles
2. Do Commiss
3. Do the Laundry
4. Sort out finances. This month has been relatively better :-)

Supper Options
Just made myself scrambled eggs with tuna, herbs and good ole salt and pepper. Fab. I am a good cook. Haha.
Evans asked me out for supper just now, proposing we have supper at 2-3am, which means that he is prolly clubbing now. I politely declined. I think after a week of work, running around campus and town, I deserve an early night.

Spent the better half of the afternoon in CityHall with Andrea, Ash and Roxie. Roxie got knighted this afternoon, so she officially has a title....HAHA. Was fun. Window shopped a bit and slacked at Simply Thai. We need to have good laughs more often. *Yay*
Today is a good day, cuz we skipped SEDP, thus clearing our annual leave. Hah!
Well, apart form the fact that my mum just scolded my brother big time, Today was a good day...Well, Time to snooze soon...

Girl's Night Out
Hit town with Ash, Andrea and Gene today. We had a ball of a time. Eating, getting complimentry soup, hanging out at Borders, looking at children and talking.
Almost wanted to stay over at Ash's house for a VCD chillout night, but Ahem~ Gene wanted to snooze and we had early classes tomorrow.
Something happened on the way home that totally took me aback. So much for my rantings on flings, money and sugar daddies ;-)
Gonna watch our TV interview tomorrow. *Crosses fIngers* And we're going to get our new assignment tmr. No group change please~ HAHA. Right, Got to crash and think about whether I should make that call.

Hmmm...
Watched "About a Boy" today with Ash in a really cramped theatre. We couldn't even cross our legs without hitting the head of the person in font. Lol. Then we went to Kinokuniya and read and read, and talked till it was closing. Time really flies.
Andrea stayed over last night and we had this really long conversation about so many things. Thanks for talking woman~ It was enlightening and empowering. :-) Yes, be the bigger person out of this...
Sometimes I wonder, does pretending to be oblivious actually help people in anyway? Would you rather face the realities that hurt or subject yourself to this false conciousness? That is where unescessary mistakes can hurt you so much more than the reality around you. I suggest objectivity rather than escapism.
Maybe not wanting to engage under the pretext of tiredness is a solitude. But it is, nevertheless, temporary. One seems to always fail to see the macro view of power systems at play when subjecting themselves to this temporary solitude and as a result fail to continue questioning and hoping to unravel more.
Oh well~

Mood Swings
There is something wrong with me. Been feeling really pent up, frustrated and tired. Maybe its Mood swings. I don't know. Oh well...just felt really ugly today. Was re-thinking a lot of issues as well...like how hardened and unforgiving I have become. Had a spat with Josh last night. I couldn't bring myself to explain so many things to him. And yet, I think that he is such a more forgiving person that I am. Oh well....this really is a tryng period.

Tired Day
God. Today was such a draggy day....Had back to back lectures. I don't really want to rant at some insignificant individuals, it would just be a waste of my time. However, I posted a rather informative post to just enlighten our narrow minded males. I am constantly appalled at how mundane, ugly and patriachal some people's minds are....Well, ain't this female oppression at its best? A real feminist issue.

Josh said I need anger management classes....haha...doinkus~ Oh well, work is starting to pile in again! Gosh, it never seem to stop~ Must go do my 2 Page proposal for Commiss now.

For the stupid, uneducated and fucking Misinformed

RU 486 (or Mifepristone) is a steroid hormone similar in structure to the natural hormone progesterone. Invented in 1980 by Dr. Etienne-Emile Baulieu for the French pharmaceutical company Roussel-Uclaf, RU 486 is the first of a new generation of birth control drugs called "antiprogestins", considered to be a breakthrough in birth control technology. (RU 486's name comes from Roussel-Uclaf's initials plus a serial number.)

2. How Does RU 486 Work?
In a woman's body, the natural hormone known as progesterone is essential for establishing and maintaining a pregnancy. The name for the hormone, in fact, comes from the Latin words "pro" (for) and "gestare" (to carry). RU 486 is a progesterone antagonist (an "antiprogestin").

RU 486 in combination with a prostaglandin has been widely used in France since 1989 for pregnancies up to 7 weeks, and now accounts for about 30% of all French abortions. In 1991, RU 486 was approved for use in Britain for pregnancies up to 9 weeks duration. Sweden was the next country to be licensed to market the drug and testing has now been completed in the United States. The Chinese are now using RU 486 (in possible breach of the patent), and their numbers are not included in the research totals.
A woman must visit an approved clinic for a physical examination and pregnancy test. Her medical history is screened to determine if there is any reason why the drug should not be used in her case. (In those countries with laws which stipulate a waiting period for abortion, a woman must leave the centre and return after the waiting period has expired.) 2. At this point she is given RU 486 in tablet form (usually three pills of 200 mg. each), and swallows them in the presence of a nurse or doctor before leaving the clinic. (About half of the women begin to bleed the day after taking RU 486.)

What Are The Side Effects Of RU 486?
Common side effects include bleeding, menstrual-type pain and cramping, which are comparable to those of surgical abortion. Women needing painkillers are given analgesics. Some women also experience some nausea, vomiting or diarrhea from the prostaglandin.

About one percent of women who take the drug combination experience heavy bleeding which requires further treatment. In clinical studies on RU 486, incomplete abortion occurred in 2-3% of cases and pregnancy persisted in 1%. These women then required surgical abortions.

Don't you Just hate it when people seem so horridely misinformed? No Womb, No Opinion. To think that people can rant endlessly without even any form of concrete evidence. Well, Just showed the world how horridly mundane you are, aren't you?

Sleepyhead
Wow...slept like the whole day today. Woke up at a record 12pm...ate at 3pm and went back to sleep again...I just woke up. Going out with Daddy later and I will be eating again~ I am such a pig, Tsk. Listening to loud angry songs that Josh ripped into my comp. Nice. I just realised that after reading all my previous posts, that Josh's name inevitably comes up...that's quite errr.....pwoah-ish. Hmmm....and we aren't seeing a lot of each other too...erm, okkkayy.
Oh well~
On Tonight's Agenda:
1.Have dinner with Daddy
2.Edit PR factsheet
3.Think of headline and lead for PR media ethics forum.
4. Look for jelly to eat.
I feel quite okay today. That's because I am still blurred from sleeping so many hours.

Which Avril Lavigne Song Are You?

Pwoah.....okay~ *steps back*

Uneventful Night
Had dinner with my mum, sis, billy and his children, before heading to town on my own. Didn't want to watch Spy Kids 2 with them...ugh
Reached town, went to Borders for a while, browsed through some stuff...
Everywhere was closing so I decided to go home, only to recceive a call from Josh. Under his persuasive skills, I decided to join him in our secondary school to pop by the Guides and Scouts camp as one of my best friends was there as well.
Reached Braddell and it was raining. Josh was eating maggi mee in school and my best friend was busy doing camp stuff. Decided to head home as I felt awkward...I dun like half the people there anyways...and I'd prolly bitch at them, so no point.
Made Josh feel bad...headed home and now I am blogging.
I don't think anyone would call me mow, to go out...oh well~

Where are you? You selfish soul,
Your smiling face,
Wrecked with pretence.

Why? Is my sincerity not enough?
That you have to judge,
me by my mask.

Look ahead at the road,
me sitting,
beside then pushed away.

Your shortcomings, you say,
I see beautiful,
Why can’t you see me the same way?

I retch at your bittersweet promises,
Yet I stay close, waiting,
For you to turn and notice,

Me.

Found this in my folder in my comp....I wrote a whole chronicle of hurt when he left.
God. *Deep breaths*

This is Such Beautiful SOng

CHORUS:
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything
To make them understand
Have you ever had someone
Steal your heart away
You'd give anything, oh
To make them feel the same

Have you ever search for words
To get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

REPEAT CHORUS

Ooh
Have you ever find someone
You dreamt of all your life
You'd do just about anything
To look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one
You've given your heart to
Only to find that one
Won't give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes
And dreamt that they were there
And all you can do is wait
For the day when they will care
Have you ever loved somebody

REPEAT CHORUS

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms, baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand
How I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
Cuz baby I can't sleep

REPEAT CHORUS TWICE

Oh, Have you ever

Suddenly I don't like Quiet
Went home early today, went to town with rox and ash. Ash left halfway to meet her friend and I suddenly didn't feel like shopping...sorry roxie~
Cam home, slumped on the bed and slept right through. was awoken by an sms from Josh asking me to think of excuses so he could get off work early...rolled over, replied him and went right back to sleep.
Just woke up. Looked around the house and there was nobody at home. I never felt this lonely in the whole week. Suddenly just had an urge to be out with my guy friends...but well, guys don't like to reply messages.
Played the piano, got emo.
Oh well....something better happen soon or some work better come soon so that I can do work before I slip into depression...
God, moving on never seemed to hard. I feel like I am stuck in a rut, back at square one....

Its Mayhem, I swear...everything is a blur.
Everyone is on some mad rush...And guess what? I am fucking sick. YAY~

The Third Party
I went to watch unfaithful with my mum, my sis and yes, how could we forget...Billy.
He came out after the movie claiming that Unfaithful was a "Stupid show" and "they got away scot-free to Mexico".
Feel my pain.
Later as I was flipping through my TV proposal, he asked to see it and remarked "This is not written by you right?" "I expected you to write better." "This needs editing"
Apparently he failed to see that TV requires a very much different language than Print, which I promptly told him and he promptly smirked.
Then later, at home,knows what, my mum flared up at my sis for spending to much time with Billy.
I retreated back to my room.
Yes, this was my night...
Someone hand me a toolbox and a ladder now.

Recollections
Fingers pressed against the window pane
Back arched
Fist clenched, eyes closed
then later,
on your chest
taking deeper breaths than I knew I could
I miss you
I pray I won't need you.

Change never seemed this bad
I don't understand how I can not see certain sides of people. I love you both, I really do~ But
I don't understand how things can change. Maybe it is your way of coping with issues, I really don't know. But hey, more active participation would be great. No, really.

Josh is at my house now. Something is wrong with the software, we cannot burn Cds. I feel bad...*looks down*
Oh well....Going to have dinner later...prolly going to do my work too

On tonight's Agenda
Revise TV proposal
Print webpages and research.

Hello, wake up and smell the ugly mundane
What are relationships in Mass Comm? What are couples in Mass Comm?
Due to the nature of Mass Comm, relationships almost automatically become public domain. Everyone knows. Who quarrelled with who, who is a fag, who is sleeping with who. Deal with it.
Relationships in Mass Comm comes with a certain level of maturity and it saddens yet disgusts me that it is sadly lacking in some.
Rumours, gossip, rants and bitching. Welcome to Mass Comm. If you cannot handle the heat, take a road trip back home.
Its a shame that certain individuals' sense of security, faith in relationships and overall self-esteem (not to mention ego) waver and get in the way of the little rantings of Mass Commers when probably three quarters of the population do not know you. Yes, you are an unknown citizen. Yes, no one really cares what relationship you are in and who you are.
The incapability of handling human relationships, and what's worse, being mundane, petty self-centred people who though fully aware of how minute their little complexities in relationships are, and still choose willingly to cary out the most selfish acts never fail to bring bile to the throat.
Not everyone likes everyone and their little friends.
Deal with it.

Feeling Luvlie
Today is a good day though I feel tired. Was late for PR so I caught a cab to school.
I love having fagotty friends~ Caught Lilo and Stitch last night...
The last weekend was so fun. I haven't felt so nice in ages. It feels good to feel nice.
The feeling of forgetting pain for a moment is so good.
I feel at peace.
I feel happy.
I feel fulfilled.
I feel content.

Okay, shall stop ranting about my weekend. Tsk.

New Shopping Item
Givenchy Pour Homme.
I dun care if I smell like I man. I love it.

A sling bag Goddamnit.
I think my old bag is going to have holes...well, actually its andrea's bag...*feels bad*
heheh...

Toss slippers.
I have been wanting em since forever. That's what happens when you have no moolah.

New FCUK shirts.
I think their new Tees are cool...

200 bucks should do the trick. *Looks around*

Last Night...
Reached home at 3am. Yes, it was mindblowing.
Funny how I don't feel the least bit guilty.
Funny how I've learnt to let go.
Funny how I feel so at peace.

Or is this just the calm before the storm?
I don't think so.